2014 Bro Draft (#DILBs): Round 1

Spring has arrived.

nfldraft

If I could’ve afforded it we would’ve done it on a big stage like this.

The NFL, NHL, NBA, and MLB drafts are around the corner.

renee_brown_at_podium_120416_625

But we can’t even afford to do it in the WNBA studios. No offense, WNBA.

I decided to conduct a draft of my own.

XFL

I’m operating on more of a current-day XFL budget.

Now, I know complaining, sarcasm, snarkiness, and being a dick to other people is usually what “sells” on the internet, but I wanted to see if we could have fun while talking about how much we like the idea of certain people.

Everyone knows MILFs (Moms I’d Like to F*ck). Those are great, but well documented and appreciated. We’re here to give praise to high quality dudes out there in the Milky Way Galaxy. This is where we select dudes that we’d like to be bros with, or DILBs (Dudes I’d Like to Bro). There are 10 rounds in this draft, with me and my 9 friends all getting 10 picks each. I’m only posting the first round in this article.

Here’s The Draft Order:

1) Steven Fleihr

2) Tadius Maximus

3) Rezzer Ramon

4) Patrick Jameson

5) Greg Johns

6) Kevin McCaffrey

7) Tom Tracy

8) Shane Falco

9) Seph McCaffrey

10) Jeff Wilmot

2014 Bro Draft

Round 1

With the first pick in the draft, my buddy Steven Fleihr selected

1.  Ric Flair

BRO VITALS:

AGE: 65 YEARS OLD

RELATIONSHIP STATUS:  DIVORCED … 4 TIMES

SOBRIETY: DRINKS AND PARTIES LIKE ONLY A LEGEND CAN

KIDS: 3

RicFlairYoungWomen

How many of these girls would you guess actually knew who Ric Flair was when they took this picture?

 

Here’s what Steven had to say about his pick: “With the number one pick in this year draft I’m hitting a for sure home-run with this life and style altering friend. Richard Fleihr better known by his stage name Ric “The Nature Boy” Flair! This move may not be a surprise to his real life bros, although being friends with the Nature Boy does not bode well for my pending nuptuals. 

RicFlairPartyingWithWomen

That is how you fly in a jet. Traveling in style like only the Nature Boy can.

 

Who better to be bros with then the one and only limousine riding, jet air flying, wheeling/ dealing son of a gun. I can go anywhere in the world with this 16 time world heavyweight champion and hear the echoes of “wooooo’s” for miles! With Ric at my side the party will never end!”

BroDraftRicFlairChop

I don’t think either man would want this photo of their chests framed in their houses.

 

Seph’s McCaffrey’s 2 Cents: Can you imagine going to the bar with Ric Flair and trading knife edge chops to the chest with him after every shot? Flair is a phenomenal 1st overall pick because he might be the #1 party bro of all time, and he can still let it all hang out today.

 

BroDraftRicFlairButt

Better Wardrobe Malfunction: Ric Flair, or Janet Jackson?

To get an idea of the kind of fun Ric used to have back in the day, watch this video. “It doesn’t have to do with sex. I mean, It’s not about gettin’ LAID. It’s about how much fun we had”. “If the wives would get over that part of it, it’d be fine.” It’s amazing how many women this man HAS had success with. He’s never been a looker, but always carried himself like he was. As another man who has more charisma than looks, that’s something I respect a great deal.

Wooo!

With the 2nd overall pick in the draft, my friend Tadius Maximus selected ….

2. Eric Andre

BRO VITALS:

AGE: 31

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: SINGLE?

KIDS:  ZERO

SOBRIETY: HE PARTIES

BroDraftEricAndre

Duuude. It’s a baby animal. In 3-D!!!!

 

Here’s Tadius on the pick: “Eric Andre – the wildcard factor. Never know what to expect. Everything becomes just a bit more flammable in his presence. And we like a lot of the same drugs.”

EricAndreBroDraftShirtlessWayneBradyRusselBrand

I NEED TO TAKE MORE PICTURES LIKE THIS

 

Seph’s 2 Cents: Eric Andre is one of the wildest, craziest, funniest, most hyper men on the planet. I would love to be bros with this guy. While Tadius has mentioned how much fun it could be to do drugs with this man – this man who has claimed that he has never played golf while not tripping on acid – I could have a killer time with him if I was Stone Cold sober.

BroDraftEricAndreSpeedo

Is he wearing a speedo? Indoors?

 

He loves to break shit, and I used to love breaking shit. Me and my best friends used to do these things called rampages in high school where we run around town, sometimes with our pants down – launching ourselves into things like road horses, garbage cans, etc – damaging anything in our path, including our reputations and the respect of anyone within view. If you’ve ever seen the intro to The Eric Andre Show, you know he’s the king of such “Rampages”.

BroDraftEricAndreTatyanaAli

 

Very jealous of this pick. If you’re funny, or if you have A.D.D., or both, you have no choice but to check out his show.

With the 3rd pick in the draft, Rezzer Ramon has selected ….

3. Jared Allen

BRO VITALS:

AGE: 32

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: MARRIED SINCE 2010

KIDS: 2 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER

SOBRIETY: SOBER SINCE 2007

Rezzer’s comments on his pick: “I’m so close to the bro. He’s coming to Chicago to rage with me, not the Bears.”

BroDraftJaredAllen

 

Seph’s 2 Cents: This bro would be great for fighting, pick-up sports games, partying, hosting parties (check out his MTV Cribs episode), or surviving a post-apocalyptic world. The downside of this pick is that Allen is sober, married, and has a baby daughter.  Those are all great things for him, but not so great for Bro points as they could get in the way of hanging out, partying, staying out way too late, and going on impulsive Brocations.

jaredallenwineemdineem69em

BroDraftJaredAllenWithChicks

 

BOOZING WITH BABES + HANDLEBAR MUSTACHE! 

BroDraftJaredAllenUSAFlag

 

AMERICA

BroDraftJaredAllenJorts

 

JORTS & MULLET

http://www.nfl.com/videos/minnesota-vikings/09000d5d811abe70/Jared-Allen-s-crib

4. Conan O’Brien

BroDraftConanSluggingBooze

SLUGGING

 

BRO VITALS:

AGE: 50

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: MARRIED

KIDS: 2

SOBRIETY: DRINKS

 

Here’s Patrick Jameson’s take on his pick: “Need a face of the franchise.

BroDraftConanHair

TBS picked him, I can too. He has a great power when it comes to show business and can draw the best comedians and movie stars alike.

BroDraftConanDrinkingWithPattonOswalt

 

BroDraftConanMartha-Stewart-Gives-Us-a-Taste-Of-The-Thug-Life-While-Drinking-a-40-Oz-On-The-Conan-OBrien-Show

We share the same Irish blood and we will drink Guinness together.”

BroDraftConanDrinkingGuinness

Seph’s 2 Cents: PROS: Conan is wicked smart (Harvard), creative, funny, and he likes to drink. Conan was my late night guy growing up. “If They Mated”, Masturbating Bear, Staring Contests? Great stuff.

CONS: From a bro standpoint, the fact that he has a wife & kids would probably limit his hangout availabilities and his wingman abilities.

 

 

With the 5th pick in the draft, Greg Johns selected …

5. Michael Jordan

BRO VITALS:

AGE: 51

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: MARRIED TO HIS 2ND WIFE, BUT IS A WORLD-RENOWNED CHEATER

KIDS: 5

SOBRIETY: NO

BroDraftMichaelJordan

 

Here’s Greg on the pick: “Michael Jordan. Reasons: Legendary status, fun lifestyle, golf, gambling, tons of cash, coolness factor off the charts. Free Jordan gear too. His wife is also former Miss Puerto Rico and has really hot friends”

michael-jordan-engaged-wenn-post

 

Seph’s 2 Cents: Hard to argue with this one. Whether you’re looking to party in Chicago, Las Vegas, Miami, or anywhere on Planet Earth really, you’ll find a swanky party place going out of it’s way to make Michael Jordan feel comfortable. He’d be great to have as a teammate for pickup basketball games, golf outings, or hell, even a softball league. Some of the other drafters expressed concern that picking Jordan puts you at risk of having him bang your wife someday. I’ll go glass half full and say don’t worry about it and just never have a wife. Everyone wins.

BroDraftJordanGrinding

THIS should be the Michael Jordan poster college students hang up in their rooms.

BroDraftMichaelJordanBartending

With the 6th overall pick in the Bro Draft, Kevin McCaffrey has selected …

6. Joakim Noah

BRO VITALS:

AGE: 29

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: NEVER MARRIED

KIDS: NO

SOBRIETY: NO

BroDraftJoakimNoah

Is he smoking joints on a beach with a smoking topless female human? That is IT. That’s a 10/10 all around. Except for that whole  “having people photograph with me with my shirt off and post it for strangers to see on the internet” thing, which is mildly terrifying.

Here’s Kevin’s take on his pick:  “Has 10 years of A-List, NBA style partying left in him, and the NBA parties better and harder than any other sport. He gets drunk, hangs out with “A level”, yet non-famous, chicks. 

BroDraftJoakimNoahwithChicks

He’s based in my home city, so there’d be a good number of times of the year I’d be able to drop in at home games. For a basketball fan, being courtside for showdowns with the Heat would be great. He clearly has a great sense of humor, and like he’s a team player ON the court, he’d be one OFF the court too, hooking up his friends and staying loyal like he does to the old Florida crew.

BroDraftJoakimNoahBirthdayCake

 

He’s from NYC, so we’re yin-yang on each other’s home/pro towns. The team player he is, he’d be cool with you including your couple best friends in the party circle too, which is key as much as anything else. Gotta be able to bro pay it forward.”

 

BroDraftJoakimNoahSexyChicks

Wow. They have really nice smiles.

Seph’s 2 Cents: Joakim Noah is one of America’s most famous athletes, he’s unmarried, has no kids, likes to party, is goofy, physically imposing, and he’s still young. This pick pays out big now and has the upside to pay out for decades to come.

With the 7th pick in the 2014 Bro Draft, Tom Tracy has selected Bill Murray.

7. Bill Murray

BRO VITALS:

AGE: 63

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: DIVORCED … TWICE

KIDS: 6

SOBRIETY: NO

Seph’s 2 Cents: Do I have to say anything? If you have access to the internet today, or television and movie screens since the 1970s, you know why this dude would be a great bro to have.

BroDraftBillMurrayGQ

 

 

BroDraftBillMurrayDrunk

BroDraftBillMurrayAsianChicks

BroDraftBillMurrayParty-Time

http://www.funnyordie.com/slideshows/5c5cc7c48b/bill-murray-karaoke-pictures

 

With the 8th pick in the Bro Draft, Shane Falco selects …

 

8. Matthew McConaughey

BRO VITALS:

AGE: 44

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: MARRIED

KIDS: 3

SOBRIETY: NO, BUT DOESN’T PARTY AS HARD AS HE USED TO.

MCCONAUGHEY ON SETTLING DOWN

 

Falco’s comments on his pick: “Ride the hot horse. Alright, alright, alright!”

BroDraftMatthewMcConaugheyPartying37thBirthday

BroDraft Matthew McConaughey Ashley Judd

BroDraftMatthewMcConaugheyCollage1

BroDraftMatthewMcConaugheyDrunk2

Proof that all types of women are beautiful. Women of all different shapes, sizes, and levels of attractiveness. Go get her Matty.

 

Seph’s 2 Cents: It’s clear from the stories we’ve all heard (getting busted for a noise disturbance while he was high and playing the bongos naked with his buddy) and the pictures you see here, that Matthew McConaughey is a legendary bro. That’s the great news with this pick. It brings incredible prestige to Shane Falco’s stable. The only downside, similar to Jared Allen and Conan O’Brien, is that it seems as though he DOES love his wife and kids, and HAS settled down, limiting his upside and future value. That’s the recipe for “How to Lose a Bro in 10 Years”.  Still, you can’t go wrong with the Hollywood “It” man, Matthew McConaughey.

BroDraftMatthewMcConaugheyWifeDadKids

http://www.uproxx.com/webculture/2014/03/matthew-mcconaughey-oscar-acceptance-speech-video/

 

With the 9th overall pick in the 2014 Bro Draft, IIIIIIIIIII selected

9. Dolph Ziggler

BRO VITALS:

AGE: 33

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: NEVER MARRIED

KIDS: ZERO

SOBRIETY: NO

BroDraftDolphZigglerDrinkingWithBellas

 

 

Seph’s 2 Cents: (On his own pick): I wanted to make a statement with this pick and take a guy who is not currently valued as a first round talent, but that’s what his value IS. I selected a high-energy bro who loves wrestling, comedy, social media, and babes. Just like some-ME else I know. Dolph would be fun to party with, joke with, would introduce hot girls to the group on a surely constant basis (he formerly dated one of the Bella twins and I believe he has been linked to porn stars in the past).

BroDraftDolphZigglerCollage2

 

He would be able to back you up in a fight (he wrestled collegiality at Kent State University, eventually setting what was then the record for most career wins in the team’s history, and does one of the most physically demanding and punishing jobs on the planet). 

BroDraftDolphZigglerCollage1

BroDraftDolphZigglerCollage3

 

Does he seem a little cocky? Sure he does, but I’m guessing that any potentially annoying personality traits he has are ones I’ve already dealt with from some of the guys I’ve been bros with over the years. He also seems to have a sense of humor about himself and enjoys a good drinking game. ( http://stillrealtous.com/dolph-ziggler-plays-drinking… ).

 

with the 10th pick in the draft, Jeff Wilmot selected …

10. Derek Jeter

BRO VITALS:

AGE: 39

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: NEVER MARRIED

KIDS: ZERO

SOBRIETY: NO

BroDraftDerekJeterCollage

 

Here’s Jeff’s take on his pick: “Essentially Michael Jordan of baseball as far as his extracurricular hobbies of having sex with 10s and partying. 

DerekJeterDatingHistory

 

I expect after his retirement he will move down to his palace in Tampa, Florida which will be a nice spot for us and he’ll have a lot more time to focus on the aforementioned hobby. I’d think just being friends with him means you’d get to clean up on the babes he doesn’t deem fit for his procreation. I also hope he has extra of those “Thanks for sleeping with me.” gift baskets he’s become famous for”.

BroDraftDerekJeterGIFDiveIntoStands

 

Seph’s 2 Cents: Love snatching a bro like this who is famous for keeping his options open and never committing, and will soon have 365 days a year open and uncommitted to anything and endless options and money since this is his last year in the MLB. Could be some pretty epic parties & brocations on the horizon.

Let us know what you think by leaving comments and voting in the polls! We’ll be back next time with Round 2!

 

Joe McCaffrey (Ask Joe)


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One thought on “2014 Bro Draft (#DILBs): Round 1

  1. Pingback: 2014 Bro Draft (#DILBs) Round 2 | Friendship Style

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