Everyone now knows that during the month of April I didn’t have the internet. Of course I didn’t have the internet because a bunch of wildlife were fucking with the wires outside of my apartment and birds were nesting atop and shitting all over the phone pole that was supposed to dangle the shit from my apartment and connect it to the shit that goes to the internet. Good thing a nice dumb man named Jose or something came to my apartment and patiently destroyed the birds. It took him two and a half hours. I asked him if he did it by electrocution and he said “Here is an AT&T brochure that no one cares about.”
On Jose’s way out we briefly discussed massages and how he had one once and I never have. I hope Jose got in a car accident on his way home. Here is a list of some things I did during the month I did not have the internet.