Joe’s Guide To Ponytails

WARNING: I am NOT a ponytail expert. These thoughts and opinions are those of Joe McCaffrey, and not those of FriendshipStyle.com

Ponytail Features: Colin Farrell’s ponytail here is great because it actually looks like a pony’s tail. Very fluffy. He continues to lean feminine by adding an earring to the mix, which is a brave choice. My friends would call me mean names if I did this. I tried to grow my hair out real long one time.  ….

My friends called me “Keith Partridge” and “Teen Wolf” and laughed at me :'(. Colin is clearly aware that his friends might be dicks to him about his new hairdo, so he makes sure to leave some 5 o’clock shadow to illustrate how post-pubescent he is. His eyebrows are real strong, too. Some chicks like that I hear.

Next up is this dude from Lost, Josh Holloway, who played a character named Sawyer. He clearly took some tips from Colin Farrell (assuming these pictures are in chronological order) about mixing in your ponytail with some tough guy paraphernalia. His belt looks like it’s made of stuff that cowboys wear with a belt buckle made out of a cassette tape or a license plate for a remote control car. He also has tattoos which lets other guys know that he isn’t afraid of pain so you shouldn’t tease him about his ponytail like my friends teased me about my haircut. We need constructive criticism from our friends, people! We don’t need put-downs! As we look at his facial hair you can almost hear him saying “If ponytails are just for girls then how come I have this AWESOME goatee? Do you see how thick this is? I could support a nesting area for 3 baby birds in this bad boy. Pretty sure beards are for men, guys.” Now, I know what you’re thinking … this ponytail looks kind of familiar ….

Well, maybe that’s a conscious decision on his part. My brothers and I really enjoyed Fraggle Rock as children, and maybe Sawyer did, too. Leave him alone, already!

This is apparently what is referred to as the “classic low ponytail”. My only issue with this ponytail is that this guy looks like he is going to kiss us whether we like it or not. Also, it kind of curls around like in circles like a cartoon pig’s tail

Hey, no beef with this guy personally, – I don’t even know his name and I’m sure he’s a bonafide superhunk – I’m just saying go gentle with those eyes, bro.

Snoop Dogg let’s guys know you can’t tease him about his ponytail by rapping about gangsta shit when he wears it. I should’ve thought of that for my haircut … :'(.

The only problem with this ponytail is that it didn’t have enough time to grow out yet when someone took the picture. That would be like putting up the Mona Lisa in a museum when Da Vinci hadn’t even drawn her boobs yet. The other issue I have with this picture is Jeff Bridges has a look on his face like he just farted but only he can smell it yet. CLEAR OUT. So mischievous, Lebowski.

Anyone who knows me well, knows  that I enjoy grappling sport (Mixed Martial Arts), and grappling art & performance (Profesional Wrestling). That being said, this picture of Rob Van Dam (left) who I am a big fan of, illustrates a cautionary tale about ponytails. The ponytail on the top, buzzcut on the sides combo puts a lot of pressure on the ponytail. All eyes lead to the pony, it doesn’t have anything flowing into it. I’m not saying it can’t be pulled off, but it’s a high risk move.

Now, let’s take a look at a man who popularized the ponytail in the 1990s.

Here, Steven Seagal has a nice, tight, smooth ponytail that is well maintained, enabling him to romance babes at the drop of a hat without even having to tuck his shirt in or eve wear a shirt with sleeves. When you’ve got your ponytail mojo flowing like he did back then, when your pony game is on lock, you feel ready to take on the world. That’s just what he did.

Just look at that, it’s incredible. This man’s ponytail game was flawless. He’s kicking ass and his ponytail is still tight and perky. If you challenged Steven Seagal to a game of rock, paper, scissors, he’d beat you with ponytail every time. Then, as he got older, he started to get lazy. He let his ponytail game deteriorate.

This man does not look ready to take on the world. This man isn’t ready to save a ship that’s Under Siege. This man isn’t ready to rise Above The Law, and walk fearlessly On Deadly Ground. This man wouldn’t be Hard To Kill if he was Marked For Death. This man couldn’t be looking Out For Justice while coming Under Siege for a 2nd time in Dark Territory. Okay, okay, I’m done. I hope you guys don’t leave this paragraph with Exit Wounds. His ponytail started to suck and he became a dick.

(It’s all here at this upcoming link. Read it after you’re done reading this if you don’t believe me, or  just save yourself some time and believe me: http://kosmo.hubpages.com/hub/Is-Actor-Steven-Seagal-the-Biggest-Jerk-in-Hollywood . )

Football celeb ponytail. (Tom Brady)

Futbol celeb ponytail. (David Beckham)

I hope you enjoyed this overview of ponytails. It seems to enable these dudes to snag total babes like Gisele Bündchen & Posh Spice, so I should probably give this thing a try. I’m going to send you off with a sneak preview at my next haircut. I’m thinking something like this in the front:

… and something like this in the back:

Give me some feedback on that idea before I take the plunge. Thanks!

Joe McCaffrey (Ask Joe)

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